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"Zingers"

"I've got a crocodile named Ginger." "Does Ginger bite?" "No, but ginger snaps" When a young man left his dorm and moved into an apartment, he went shopping for cleaning equipment. His cart was loaded with a broom, mop, dust-pan, sponges and a full array of cleaning products. At the last minute he topped off his cart with a single, large bag of potato chips. Seeing the checkout clerk's look, he explained, "I'm a very messy eater." The government will be requiring new food labels that are more specific. Products will now be labeled: no fat; low fat; reduced fat; and fat, but great personality. The warden, addressing the three instigators of a failed prison riot, said, "I would like to know two things. First: Why did you revolt? Second: How did you get out of your cell?" One of the three men stepped forward, "Warden, we rebelled because the food is awful." "I see. And what did you use to break the bars?" The warden asked. Replied the spokesman, "French Toast..." Buffalo meat is getting more popular. I suppose soon we can expect cold cuts made from it -- possibly called "buffaloney." Knock Knock Who's there? Dana Dana who? Dana talk with your mouth full! Do chickens think rubber humans are funny? A fellow took his girlfriend to the movies. During the pre- views, she asked him if he would go and buy her some M & Ms. When he returned with her candy, she opened the bag, picked out all the brown ones and threw them away. "What did you do that for?" he asked her. "I'm allergic to chocolate!" she replied. Tim Allen, comedian, had this to say about Martha Stewart: "Yeah, I feel safer now that she's behind bars. O.J. and Kobe are walking around, Osama Bin Laden too, but they take the one woman in America willing to cook and clean and work in the yard and haul her ass to jail!" A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead." Driver: "Hi, is your name Jello?" Hitchhiker: "Uh... no..." Driver: "Too bad... 'cause there's always room for Jello!" In Boston, two chefs were competing for the title of "Finest Fish Fryer." Their talents were about equal and their dishes excellent, so it was a close race until, at the last minute, one of the chefs glazed his entry and captured the title. "Alas!" said the other chef with a sigh, "There but for the glaze of cod go I." A little lemon and seltzer will remove those pesky ink stains after you've been fingerprinted. - Martha Stewart- What do you call a stolen yam? A hot potato. A man walks into a doctors office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear. "Whats the matter with me?", he asked. "You're not eating properly", replied the Doctor. While attending a marriage seminar on communication, Tom and his wife Peg listened to the instructor declare, "It is Essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other." He addressed the men, "Can you describe your wife's favorite flower?" Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "Pillsbury All-Purpose, isn't it?" (The rest of the story is not pleasant.) When the waitress in a New York City restaurant brought him the soup du jour, the Englishman was a bit dismayed. "Good heavens," he said, "what is this?" "Why, it's bean soup," she replied. "I don't care what it has been," he sputtered. "What is it now?" Johnny: Daddy, are caterpillars good to eat? Father: Have I not told you never to mention such things during meals! Mother: Why did you say that, Junior? Why did you ask the question? Johnny: It's because I saw one on daddy's lettuce, but now it's gone. A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. "Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. "But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all, and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?" After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row, raised his hand and said, "Wedding Cake". A friend and I were standing in line at a fast-food restaurant, waiting to place our order. There was a big sign posted. "No bills larger than $20 will be accepted." The woman in front of us, pointing to the sign, remarked, "Believe me, if I HAD a bill larger than $20, I wouldn't be eating here." I recently discovered a cooking tip I haven't seen listed in any cookbooks. While you are preparing the food, and after the guests have arrived, you contrive to fill the house up with smoke, preferably enough to get at least two smoke detectors going. Then you go rushing about the house, opening all the windows, setting up fans, and generally doing everything short of calling the fire department. Let the guests sit for about 1/2 hour at 50 degrees (as a result of opening the windows) and serve the food. By this point, you have established expectations in your guests' minds that you can't fail to exceed! Knock Knock Who's there? Salome Salome who? Salome and cheese! Two missionaries in Africa get apprehended by a tribe of very hostile cannibals who put them in a large pot of water, build a huge fire under it, and leave them there. A few minutes later, one of the missionaries starts to laugh uncontrollably. The other missionary can't believe it! He says, "What's wrong with you? We're being boiled alive! They're gonna eat us! What could possibly be funny at a time like this?" The other missionary says, "I just peed in the soup." GUINNESS STOUT After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer. The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him. The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one. The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it. The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered. The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?" and the Guinness president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I." A family of three tomatoes were walking downtown one day when the little baby tomato started lagging behind. The big father tomato walks back to the baby tomato, stomps on her, squashing her into a red paste, and says, "Ketchup!" A man goes into the doctor's with custard in one ear and jelly in the other. "Doctor, doctor, I'm having trouble hearing" "I know what the problem is: you're a trifle deaf!" Some people are very bossy and like to tell everyone what to do. You might call that type a "Dick Tater." Some people never seem to be motivated to participate. They are content to watch while others do. They are "Speck Taters." Some people never do anything to help, but they are gifted at finding fault with the way others do things. They might be called "Comment Taters." One day, Bill and Tom went to a restaurant for dinner. As soon as the waiter took out two steaks, Bill quickly picked out the bigger steak for himself. Tom wasn't happy about that: "When are you going to learn to be polite?" Bill: "If you had the chance to pick first, which one would you pick?" Tom: "The smaller piece, of course." Bill: "What are you whining about then? The smaller piece is what you want, right?" The customer in the Italian restaurant was so pleased that he asked to speak to the chef. The owner proudly led him into the kitchen and introduced him to the chef. "Your veal parmigiana was superb," the customer said. "I just spent a month in Italy, and yours is better than any I ever had over there." "Naturally," the chef said. "Over there, they use domestic cheese. Ours is imported." Knock Knock Who's there? Wanda Wanda who? Wanda have another hamburger? Frank and Edith had made some changes in their lives. Frank had lost 50 pounds and after eight years of being a housewife, Edith had taken a job in an IHOP restaurant. When Editgh returned home after her first day at work, she gave her husband a big hug. He seemed to cling to her longer than usual. I asked, "Did you really miss me that much today, dear?" "No," came the reply. "But you smell so much like pancakes that I hate to let you go." Young Troy lives across from a horse farm. The farmer was driving out unto the road with a load of horse "fertilizer". Troy saw him and called, "What've you got in your truck?" "Horse Manure," the farmer replied. "It stinks! What are you going to do with it?" asked Troy. "Put it on my strawberries," answered the farmer. "You ought to live here," Troy advised him. "We put sugar and cream on ours." Customer: Waiter, this food isn't fit for a pig! Waiter: Alright. I'll go get you some that is. The other day, I dropped a piece of bread and it fell butter side up. I was convinced that I'd buttered the wrong side of the bread. Fred and Harry took their own lunches to the local cafe to eat. "Hey!" shouted the owner. "You can't eat your own food in here!" "OK" said Harry. So he and Fred swapped sandwiches. A frequent dieter, I get annoyed when someone points out that I'm overindulging on some food. Once, while eating alone, I glanced into my bowl of sugary alphabet cereal to find the remaining floating letters spelled out the word HIPS. Having lost weight over the past few years, I was discarding things from my wardrobe that no longer fit. My seven-year old niece was watching as I held up a huge pair of slacks. "Wow," I said. "I must have worn these when I was 183." My niece looked puzzled, then asked, "How old are you now?" The doctor explained to the overweight patient - "These pills I'm prescribing for you are not to be swallowed. You just spill them on the floor twice a day and pick them up one at a time. Samantha had been boring her friends to death about her new diet. That evening one of the friends went into the local restaurant and saw Samantha with a 2 inch thick double T-Bone, French fries, Potato, and all the trimmings. "So that's what you mean about your diet then", said the friend "I couldn't help it", cried Samantha, " I had to eat for the strength to keep dieting!" Knock Knock Who's there? Sweden Sweden who? Sweden sour is my favorite Chinese meal! A Buddhist Monk walks up to the New York City hot dog vendor and says "make me one with everything". The Monk hands the vendor a $20 bill. The vendor puts the bill into his pocket and the Monk inquires about his change. The vendor says change must come from within. Question: What what can you make from baked beans and onions? Answer: Tear gas. Did you hear about the M&M inspector that got fired for tossing out all the W's? Question: What did the carrot say to the wheat? Answer: Lettuce rest, I'm feeling beet. Question: What did the grape say when he was sat on? Answer: Nothing, he just let out a little whine. Q: An old Arab riddle goes like this: Our servant is green. Her children are born white and then grow black. Who is she? A: An olive tree Frank: Our cafeteria must be very clean. Earnest: How can you tell? Frank: All of the food tastes like soap! Frank: My brother's on a seafood diet. Earnest: Really? Frank: Yes. The more he sees food, the more he eats! What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter? Pumpkin pi. When a bachelor cooks, what is his favorite dish? Any one that's clean. Knock Knock Who's there? Hammond Hammond who? Hammond eggs! We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the special was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $1.99. "Sounds good," my wife said. "But I don't want the eggs." "Then I'll have to charge you two dollars and forty-nine cents because you're orderinga la carte," the waitress warned her. "You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?" my wife asked incredulously. "I'll take the special." "How do you want your eggs?" "Raw and in the shell," my wife replied. She took the two eggs home. If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly. Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices & strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want. The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in a hot car. The solution: Eat it in the parking lot. Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off your appetite and you'll eat less. A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Isn't that handy? If you can't eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer. But if you can't eat all your chocolate, what's wrong with you? If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant? If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages? Question: What is green and goes to a summer camp? Answer: A Brussels' scout. If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, is that a balanced diet? Don't they actually counteract each other? Money talks. Chocolate sings. Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger. Q. Why is there no such organization as Chocoholics Anonymous? A. Because no one wants to quit. Knock knock? Who's there? Mayonnaise. Mayonnaise Who? Mayonnaise a lot of food! If not for chocolate, there would be no need for control top pantyhose. An entire garment industry would be devastated. Put "Eat Chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing done. Did you hear that Jack In The Box is coming out with a new drink? It's called E. cola. "Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something which you'd like to have dinner with" "Women are like fine wine. They all start out fresh, fruity and intoxicating to the mind and then turn full-bodied with age until they go all sour and vinegary and give you a headache." Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food? The snack bar next door to an atom smasher was called "The Fission Chips." Two peanuts were walking down the road. One was a "salted." On April Fools Day, a mother put a fire cracker under the pancakes. She blew her stack. A new chef from India was fired a week after starting the job. He kept favoring curry. A couple of kids tried using pickles for a Ping-Pong game. They had the volley of the Dills. Knock,knock Who's there, Orange, Orange who Orange you thirsty? The big problem with "fast" food is that it slows down when it hits your stomach. And it just parks there--and lets the fat have time to get off and apply for citizenship. The four food groups: Fast, Frozen, Instant, and Chocolate. A friend got some vinegar in his ear, now he suffers from pickled hearing. Overweight is something that just sort of snacks up on you. Sign in restaurant window: "Eat now - Pay waiter." I thought you were trying to get into shape? I am. The shape I've selected is a triangle. I know about Stressed... It's Desserts spelled backwards!!! The man who designed the original Oscar Meyer Weinermobile has died. Don't feel bad though, he lived his life with relish. Eat a prune and start a movement. Found on the seal of a bag of bagels: NEW IMPROVED Made the old fashioned way It's called "fast" food because you're supposed to eat it really fast. Otherwide, you might actually taste it. Knock, knock Who's there? Candy Candy who? Candy go any faster? What do you call CHEESE that does not belong to you? "Nacho cheese!" (Not yo' cheese) If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry? In these days of multiple marriages, would the marriage of Raymond Burr, Terry Garr and Martin Luther King be called Burr-Garr-King? My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned ... couldn't concentrate. Then I tried to be a chef -- figured it would add a little spice to my life, but I just ... didn't have the thyme. I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I ... couldn't cut the mustard. My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it ... was always the same old grind. Sign in a restaurant: "We reserve the right to serve refuse to anyone." Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny? What did the female mushroom say about the male mushroom? "He's a real fun guy [fungi]." Q: Ever wonder about people who pay $2 for a bottle of Evian water? A: Just spell "Evian" backwards! Why did the man stare at the can of orange juice? Because it said 'concentrate.' What did the hungry computer eat? Chips, one byte at a time. Knock-knock Who's there? Stew Stew, who? Stew early to go to bed. If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? What do cats call mice on skateboards? "Meals on Wheels." What's in an astronaut's favorite sandwich? Launch meat. What is the most common speech impediment? Chewing gum. Dieting is the triumph of mind over platter. Just try to keep your will power dominant over your won't power. In yesterday's New York Times, it was reported that China's leading distance runner (she set a new 10,000 m record last year) trains on a diet of "worms, an elixir extracted from caterpillar fungus and soup from the blood of soft-shell turtle." There is a sign outside a restaurant that I pass frequently that says "Now Serving Food". It makes me wonder what they used to serve. What is the difference between broccoli (or brussel sprouts) and a booger? You can MAKE a kid eat a booger. Seen on a bakery delivery truck: Cakes 66 cents. Upsidedown cakes 99 cents. Each day I try to enjoy something from each of the four food groups: the bonbon group, the salty-snack group, the caffeine group, and the "whatever-the-thing-in-the-tinfoil-in-the-back-of-the-fridge-is" group. Haggis is a kind of black pudding eaten by the Scots and considered by them to be not only a delicacy but fit for human consumption. The minced heart, liver and lungs of a sheep, calf, or other animal's inner organs are mixed with oatmeal, sealed and boiled in maw in the sheep's intestinal stomach-bag and... Excuse me a minute... "Waiter, waiter! Bring me a crocodile sandwich, and make it snappy!". Do cannibals get hungry one hour after eating a chinaman?

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