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"You Might Be A Bad Cook If..."

Your microwave display reads "TILT!" You know dinner is ready when the smoke alarm goes off. Your dog goes to the neighbors' to eat. Leftover crumbs make a great replacement for kitty litter. Your kids know what exactly peas porridge in a crock pot nine days old tastes like. Your family automatically heads for the dinner table every time they hear a fire truck siren. Your family seems really interested in going to that restaurant that always has trouble passing the health inspection. If the EPA requires that all your garbage cans be marked with large bright red "biohazard" symbols. When you BBQ the kids won't come outside, instead they stand inside the door watching you. Two of your kids hold water guns and the third has the phone with 911 on speed-dial. Pest control companies keep pestering you, wanting to buy and patent your recipe for candy Christmas cookies. The smoke alarm beeps if you even walk near the stove. Your family buys Rolaids, Pepto Bismal, and Tums in bulk. Your homemade bread loaf can be used as a door stop. The last time you tried to make toast the kitchen caught on fire. Your apple pie bubbled over and ate the enamel off the bottom of the oven. You make tuna noodle broccoli surprise for your family and the surprise is that it glows in the dark! Your tuna noodle broccoli surprise melts plastic and silverware. You used three boxes of scouring pads, a bottle of Drano and a crowbar, but that macaroni and cheese still won't let go of the pan! You look in a cookbook to find out how to boil water. You call your mother to ask how long to boil cabbage to make cole slaw. If anyone has ever broken a tooth while eating your homemade yogurt. The family pets are no where to be found during dinner. You turn the bowl of rice casserole upside down and nothing gets spilled. It takes a hammer and chisel to remove said casserole from the dish. You can use your overcooked food as a weapon. All your baked goods have the names "asphalt" or "Hockey puck." You've ever cooked a broccoli casserole and forgot to add the broccoli. You cook the leftover cut-outs of a jack-o-lantern. There are bones in your toast. All you cook seems to be left overs. The judges in the Beverly Hills Bake-off vote for Elly May Clampett's biscuits over yours. The leftover crumbs make a great replacement for kitty litter. You've ever burned through the bottom of a pan while cooking. You forget and leave a gallon of your homemade ice cream on the porch overnight during a record busting heat-wave and the next afternoon, not only is it still solid, but it tastes better. You refer to flour moth larvae as 'a little extra free protein.' You tell them that the grey fuzzy stuff on top of it 'is good for them.' You avoid the hassle of having to ever reseason your cast iron skillet by always leaving the remains of the last thing you cooked in there for 'flavor.' You hate rice, but you keep finding it floating around in your beef stew. There's no such thing as an unusable leftover. You really have messed up a salad. You have cooked dishes that are more appetizing after two months in the back of the fridge.

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