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"The Top Ten Signs You're Being
Stalked By Martha Stewart"

10.	Mysterious late-night phone calls: "I can't stop thinking about you... and that's a good thing!"
9.	Contents of your curbside recycling tub are stolen, reorganized, and replaced.
8.	On her show she makes a gingerbread house that looks exactly like your split-level, right down to the fallen-over licorice downspout and the stuck half-open graham cracker garage door.
7.	You get a threatening note made up of letters cut out of a magazine with pinking shears, and they're all the same size, the same font, and precisely lined up in razor-sharp rows.
6.	You find your pet bunny on the stove in an exquisite tarragon, rose petal & saffron demi-glace with pecan-crusted hearts of palm and a delicate mint-fennel sauce.
5.	The unmistakable aroma of potpourri follows you everywhere - even after you leave the bathroom.
4.	You discover that every napkin in the whole house has been folded into a swan.
3.	That telltale lemon slice in the dog's water bowl.
2.	You wake up in the hospital with a concussion and endive stuffing in every orifice.
And the Number 1 Sign You're Being Stalked by Martha Stewart ...
1.	You awaken one morning with a glue gun pointed squarely at your temple.

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