- Jan. 1
- Catch up on gardening--sew leaves back onto trees. Do cooking for the whole year.
- Jan. 2
- Take dog apart. Disinfect. Reassemble.
- Jan. 3
- Align carpets to adjust for curvature of earth.
- Jan 5
- Drain city reservoir; refill with mulled cider, orange slices and cinamon sticks.
- Jan. 7
- Lay Faberge egg.
- Jan. 8
- Freshen air in home by sliding a dozen Dr. Scholl's Shoe Inserts into heat pump.
- Jan. 9
- Visit crematorium. Collect dentures. They make excellent pastry cutters, particularly for decorative pie crusts.
- Jan. 10
- Culture ancient DNA into dinosaurs for nieces and nephews.
- Jan. 11
- Receive delivery of new phone books. Old ones make ideal personal address books; simply cross out the names of all the people you do not know.
- Jan. 13
- Finish needlepoint colostomy cozy.
- Jan. 14
- Organize spice racks by genus and phylum.
- Jan. 15
- Attend workshop on obsessive-compulsive disorders. Take verbatim notes.
- Jan. 18
- Update enemies list. Place in hermetically sealed vault. Remove air, replace with nitrogen.
- Jan. 20
- Address sympathy cards for all friends with elderly relatives, so that they're all ready to be mailed the moment death occurs.
- Jan. 21
- Replace air in minivan tires with Glade air freshener in case tires are shot out at the mall.
- Jan. 24
- Get new eyeglasses; grind lenses myself.
- Jan. 26
- Using candlewick and hand-gilded miniature pine cones, fashion cat-o'-nine-tails. Flog gardener.
- Jan. 29
- Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru with mocha trim.
- Jan. 30
- Run with bulls at Pampolna.
- Jan. 31
- Gild lilies.
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