- THE GAG TEST
- Anything that makes you gag is spoiled (except for leftovers from what you cooked for yourself last night).
- BREAD
- Sesame seeds and Poppy seeds are the only officially acceptable "spots" that should be seen on the surface of any loaf of bread. Fuzzy and hairy looking white or green growth areas are a good indication that your bread has turned into a pharmaceutical laboratory experiment.
- EGGS
- When something starts pecking its way out of the shell, the egg is probably past its prime.
- DAIRY PRODUCTS
- Milk is spoiled when it starts to look like yogurt. Yogurt is spoiled when it starts to look like cottage cheese. Cottage cheese is spoiled when it starts to look like regular cheese. Regular cheese is nothing but spoiled milk anyway and can't get any more spoiled than it is already. Cheddar cheese is spoiled when you think it is blue cheese but you realize you've never purchased that variety. Unless you count the various molds which may take years to consume a block of cheese, but do give the fridge the look of an interesting lab experiment and several exciting shades of blue and green.
- MAYONNAISE
- If it makes you violently ill after you eat it, the mayonnaise is spoiled.
- FLOUR
- Flour is spoiled when it wiggles.
- RAISINS
- Raisins should not be harder than your teeth.
- SALT
- It never spoils.
- CEREAL
- It is generally a good rule of thumb that cereal should be discarded when it is two years or longer beyond the expiration date.
- FROZEN FOODS
- Frozen foods that have become an integral part of the defrosting system in your freezer compartment will probably be spoiled - (or wrecked anyway) by the time you pry them out with a kitchen knife.
- MEAT
- If opening the refrigerator door causes stray animals from a three-block radius to congregate outside your house, the meat is spoiled.
- LETTUCE
- Bibb lettuce is spoiled when you can't get it off the bottom of the vegetable crisper without Comet. Black is not a normal lettuce color and may be a clue to edibility. Romaine lettuce is spoiled when it turns liquid.
- CANNED GOODS
- Any canned goods that have become the size or shape of a baseball should be disposed of. Carefully. Leakage is another sign of lowered quality.
- CARROTS
- A carrot that you can tie a clove hitch in is not fresh.
- WINE
- It should not taste like salad dressing.
- POTATOES
- Fresh potatoes do not have roots, branches, or dense, leafy undergrowth.
- CHIP DIP
- If you can take it out of its container and bounce it on the floor, it has gone bad.
- EXPIRATION DATES
- This is NOT a marketing ploy to encourage you to throw away perfectly good food so that you'll spend more on groceries. Perhaps you'd benefit by having a calendar in your kitchen.
- EMPTY CONTAINERS
- Putting empty containers back into the refrigerator is an old trick, but it only works if you live with someone or have a maid.
- UNMARKED ITEMS
- You know it is well beyond prime when you're tempted to discard the plastic container along with the food. Generally speaking, plastic containers should not burp when you open them.
- GENERAL RULE OF THUMB
- Most food cannot be kept longer than the average life span of a hamster. Keep a hamster in your refrigerator to gauge this.
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